Ever since it was exposed that I was creating fake Facebook profiles pretending they were my girlfriend, peasant supporters have been sending me suggestions on how to restore my reputation, and my love life. Suggestions range from admitting I’m transgendered, to becoming a eunuch.
These options were appealing, but until all bigotry has been wiped from the face of the earth, I must remain, alone, sexless. The other suggestion, was to purchase a fleshlight. A male masturbatory toy which my favorite comedian speaks very highly of. It is true, that this is a form of rape, but since I spend all of my time freaking out on the internet, I am told the gods of feminism will grant me a reprieve.
So I have started a GoFundMe Campaign to raise the funds to buy this instrument, and with your help, perhaps I will be able to afford this device.