Hibachi Restaurants are Racist

I went to dinner the other night thinking I was in for a good meal and some Asian culture, but what I found instead was a horrific display of racism and capitalist greed. I visited a hibachi restaurant with my imaginary girlfriend last evening. As we sat down to the table, a short Japanese man came out in a funny hat and in broken English asked me if I wanted chickay, stay, oh shree (which I presumed to mean chicken, steak, or shrimp).

Hibachi Is Racist

Hibachi Is Racist

After I ordered the chicken, the man began preparing the food on the grill right in front of us. As he did this, he made jokes in a very thick Japanese accent. He spun and twirled his cooking utensils, an obvious mockery of the proud ninja warrior culture he was exploiting for corporate greed.

White devils watched in amusement, as he squirted sake into the mouths of patrons. I was seething with social justice fury as I watched these racists exploit this poor man’s heritage for their own amusement. I began to shout “racist” and “bigot” at the white oppressors in the restaurant, in an effort to save the cook’s dignity, and that of his ninja ancestors.

The manager came into the dining area and asked me to leave. I called him a coward and informed him that I knew he was just working for the white man to oppress his own people. I told him his capitalist exploitation of inferior races was coming to an end, thanks to me reporting posts to Facebook. He must have known I was onto him, because that’s when he called the police.¬†Little did he know, I am the founder of the Peaceful Streets Project, and police have never stopped me from shouting obscenities in public.

When the police arrived, I took out my camera and called them cowards, racists, and bigots. It was almost as if I was speaking in tongues as a profanity laced anti white tirade came pouring from my sake soaked lips. I demanded they free Nelson Mandela as they handcuffed me and dragged me away in their cruiser.

In the end I was charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, and public drunkenness. I intend to take this fight all the way to the Supreme Court, but I’ll need your help. Please consider giving me all of your money so that I can fight these racist allegations and prove once and for all that it is every American’s god given right to hurl baseless allegations at innocent people on private property.

  • Joe

    Um you do know that originally ninjas where all paid assassins, spies, and thieves. So your saying they should be proud to be hired killers that would stab people in the back regularly?

    • deejay

      I’m guessing satire is a unknown concept for you?

  • Cindy

    give you money…NOT…. u need help.

  • Jokester

    You’re hilarious Cantwell!

  • you are a faggot

    You are actually racist. You fucking retard.


    i laugh i laugh giggle thats was great thank you

  • hootz

    If your gonna troll at least do it properly… SAMPLE PAGE… Really SAMPLE PAGE…

  • Lord Vil

    You’re still a poseur. If you were really against all of the evils of society, you’d be a misanthrope and would strive for a humanity-free world. Shame on you.

    • Lord Vil

      (the poseur comment was to the satired version of Antonia – this article was a wonderful laugh)

    • Karl Schipul

      This makes no sense whatsoever.

      • Vil

        it was a joke that was funnier in My head. Don’t worry about it.

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  • Yo mamma

    So I donated $4960 to your legal fund. I would have made it 5 grand but I bought a small bag of regs and some condoms instead. Just in case. Anyway, look at the bright side. If you go to prison, at least you’ll get lots of sex.